I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
