i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
