Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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