please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
