I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
