dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
