im gay
i know
yea but for you.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
