I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
