so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
