Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
