Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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