We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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