Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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