tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize