Joe is yelling at the trees again.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I touched a dick in church today
Randomize
