she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
