life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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