If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Let the clothes fall where they may.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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