he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
