Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize