it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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