I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
