You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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