Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
