Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
try to milk me bitch
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
