You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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