Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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