Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
