I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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