Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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