How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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