ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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