I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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