I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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