I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
