This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
You are a genius and a whore.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
