I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
