You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
