I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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