So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
