please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
