so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
please come you make the beer taste better
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
