Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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