I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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