You can't motorboat a personality
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
