last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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