I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
