I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize