She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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