your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
