lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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