I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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