I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize