i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
