I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize