I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize