Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
