I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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