I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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