I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
